I really don’t have much to say except: seriously, what the hell, winter? How dare you inconvenience me. I am important people.
When I described you as “a bleak landscape of barren desolation and existential anguish—a monochromatic reminder of the inevitability of death painted directly onto the land,” I was obviously kidding! I was certainly not asking for 20 inches of snow followed almost immediately by -20°F windchills, okay?
Can’t you take a joke?
After all, do you know what-20°F feels like on bare skin? Do you? Did you ever play the hand-slapping game as a kid? Yeah? How about losing for twelve straight hours? Your hands turn into a pile of raw, pink hamburger meat.
 |
| Technically a picture of Reynaud's Phenomenon, but you get the idea. |
Have you ever wandered outside, thought your were drowning with every tormented breath and then just realized: “Oh, wait… my lungs are just freezing! Whew!”?
Do you know how humiliating it is to walk around with pajama bottoms tucked into two pairs of socks underneath your jeans and still be cold? How about to have four-foot snow drifts nearly envelop the windows of your already cave-like garden-level apartment that you can’t move out of because your landlord has some fine-print clause?
I only got one hour of sunlight to begin with!
Now they’ve plowed all of the snow from the roads onto the corner of every sidewalk. Now there’s a five and-a-half foot tall (I measured), fifteen-foot long wall of impenetrable frozen snow between my bus stop and the street. I don’t own climbing gear, snowplow-driver guy, so I don’t know how you want me to board the bus now. I shouldn’t have to go to REI just to walk.
And people can't stop making up portmanteaus: Minnesnowta, Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon, Snowphoon, SnOMG... that last one is just so stupid. And look how many times I've unnecessarily used italics to emphasize a point.
Do you understand how upset you've made me, now?
And, oh good, now we’re going to end up subsidizing a billionaire to build him a new football stadium, because you had to go and destroy the old one. Good call—the state really needed that.
At least it's more exciting than actually watching the Vikings.
Can anyone please explain why a bunch of Swedish people whose names all ended with "-derson" came to Minnesota, sat through a winter, and said to each other "You know what? This is far enough. We're good." Just keep going! It's not even 2,000 miles to Oregon, where it is currently 55 degrees.
Oh sure, the cold and snow brings out the best in people, coming together to shovel each other out, care for the elderly, and blah... blah... blah...
No one likes you, winter. And it’s no wonder: of all the seasons, you definitely have the worst sense of humor.
Posts
3 Response to Was it Something I Said, Winter?
Whatever man! This storm was great. When was the last time you skied to the liquor store? Think about it... Winter is probably the best thing about Minnesota!
It's possible that I'm just a whiner or jaded. On the other hand, I live literally next door to a liquor store. I shouldn't *have* to ski there.
OK, I feel better. I hate snow. We had a "Snow Day" here today. I complained all day. I'm rebuking myself right now. Jenny Watson - Levi's mom
Post a Comment