Here at Bareknuckle Vengeance, we're taking a brief break from changing the world by complaining mightily about how everyone and everything sucks in order to review some of the cuisine at this year's Minnesota State Fair. Taking pictures of insane fatty foods, it seems, is a prerequisite for anyone attending the fair with the advent of the "new media" and who am I to buck that trend?

For those unfamiliar with the "Great Minnesota Get Together," it is a bizarre amalgam of fried foods on a stick, nerdy children and old women growing stuff for prizes, enormous farm animals with deep existential pain in their oversized eyes, fanny packs, and unbelievably obese people. It is possibly the only place in the world where you can buy a funnel cake, drink all the milk you can drink, and watch a calf being born all within 20 yards of each other. It is certainly the only place where you could possibly want to do that.

Cheese Curds from The Mouth Trap

Fried Cheese Curds (Source)

Outsiders to the Midwest always seem shocked by the very notion of cheese curds. Some have even refused to believe that they exist, thus proving themselves unfamiliar with the longstanding Midwestern tradition of submerging everything remotely edible into a vat of hot oil prior to consumption. Cheese curds are readily available at nearly every rinky-dink fair or carnival in the Upper Midwest, but for the uninitiated, they are small chunks of mild cheddar cheese that form as a byproduct of separating whey from milk. Fresh cheese curds are often claimed to “squeak” when bitten, with suggests a level of sentience that would be rather horrifying if it were true. What is definitely true: upon deep-frying, cheese curds become quite possibly the saltiest single food item known to man. Honestly I don’t know why poutine wouldn’t catch on at the State Fair—you could call the stand “Raspoutine!” (B-)

Deep Fried Cheeseburger

Deep Fried Cheeseburger (Source)

 There are two kinds of people in this world: those for whom a deep-fried cheeseburger sounds like a divine miracle to be washed down with a warm glass of deep-fried beer and those for whom it sounds like a particularly effective emetic. What is clear is that there nothing remotely attractive about this monstrosity. Served on a skewer with a pickle slice, the deep-fried cheeseburger is essentially a meat patty and slice of American cheese covered in a thick dough and fried into an oblong ball that is literally sweating grease. Ours also held something distinctly green, which I am just going to hope (or at least pretend) was a pickle. Ultimately, it tastes pretty much like an enormous meaty cheese curd and so long as you don’t look at it (even out of the corner of your eye—don’t), it’s edible (B).

Tater Tot Hot Dish On-a-Stick

Tater Tot Hot Dish On-a-Stick (source)

"Hot Dish" is a Minnesotan word that translates roughly into "casserole," but more accurately connotes a dish containing excess starch, meat, a canned vegetable, and some sort of soup as a binding agent (generally cream of mushroom) that is all baked into the very definition of bland. Because Minnesotan cuisine is premised on 1) deep-frying and 2) cutting things into square portions, state law apparently requires that any event advertised as a “potluck” contain at least three “hot dishes” and numerous kinds of “bars.” Much less of the previous sentence is made up than you might think. While most know that the Minnesota state bird is the Common Loon, fewer know that the state muffin is the blueberry, and fewer still that the state hot dish is tater tot, thereby making this dish the quintessentially Minnesotan kabob: alternating tater tots and meatballs on a skewer, dipped in breading, deep-fried, and served with cream of mushroom soup (A-).

Big Fat Bacon (source)

I can think of only two ways to describe the "Big Fat Bacon." Technically, it is a one-third pound strip of very thick-cut bacon fried, carmelized in maple syrup, and served on a stick. More accurately, however, it is a gigantic chunk of fat oozing a sticky sheen of greasy syrup. If there is one item at the fair that might actually be able to turn a wall translucent with grease through contact, my money would be on the Big Fat Bacon. Go ahead and try navigating the schools of fanny-pack clad land whales with this in hand. It's a recipe for bacon sticking to your shirt (C).

For those of you aching for a side of meat sauce with your meat and meat a la mode for dessert, the pot roast sundae makes your dreams come true: mashed potatoes covered in beef gravy, roast beef, corn, and a cherry tomato on top, all made to resemble an ice cream sundae. Although it may conjure unfortunate comparisons to KFC’s “I’ll have the entire left side of the menu in a” bowl, the pot roast sundae is actually remarkably tasty and (for the state fair) subtle. Does it look like an ice cream sundae? Let's hope not. But it tastes like a hearty winter meal in a bowl. (A)

Pickle Sickle

Pickle Sickle (source)

Fry Dog

Fry Dog (Source)

Have you ever sat down late at night with a hot dog and a plate of french fries and thought "ugh, what a chore!" if only there was a way to mash the fries onto the hot dog and eat them together like some unholy sandwich. No? ... uh, me neither. Pointless? You bet. Delicious? Oh yeah. (A-).
        


Honey Ice Cream with Sunflower Seeds: Absolutely delicious. Just the right amount of sweetness and honey without being overbearing. Sunflower seeds are, surprisingly, a nice touch (A).