You can probably name dozens of absolutely terrible, completely unlistenable songs. Richard Harris’ rousing rendition of “MacArthur Park” is the classic example, of course. “Blue (Da Ba Dee)" or “Barbie Girl” come to mind… the entire Journey catalogue (yeah, I said it). But forget about it--that's not what this is about. It’s not like anyone ever actually liked “Popozao” by Kevin Federline. Everyone already knows Nickelback and Ke$ha are hacks. And there are probably already twelve VH1 specials devoted to the “most awesomest lame” songs ever.

On the other hand, indie music (of which I am an unashamed fan) also has its less-discussed share of excruciating garbage. But that doesn’t necessarily stop the purple prose of Pitchfork or your PBR-swilling hipster friend from gobbling it up like grad students and bread scraps. So let's get the ball rolling on this overlooked phenomenon with five awful songs by indie darlings as rated by our panel of hipsters:


Terrible Angels by CocoRosie



I’m already kind of cheating here since CocoRosie isn’t exactly an indie “darling.” But then again, Pitchfork gave this album a 6.9 (whatever the fuck that means), so I’m running with it. The song begins with a slow, descending chord progression under what a friend referred to as the sound of a “pig being repeatedly castrated.” And it all goes downhill from there, devolving into a jumbled hodge-podge of affected cutesy voices, piercing electronic noises, and obnoxious dissonant harmonies sung with all the precision and grace of a tap-dancing Clydesdale.

Hilarious deluded YouTube comment: “Terrible imo? It's obvious that you don't know nothing about music. I cannot understand people like you that come up with this comments. They are great musicians and I once saw them too in Lisbon... It was A M A Z I N G.”

Most Cringe Inducing Section: 0:47-1:04. A mumbly crescendo of meandering harmonies into a full measure of nasal meowing followed by… OH GOD NOT THE PIG AGAIN!

Hipsters Give It:






Peach, Plum, and Pear by Joanna Newsom



Joanna Newsom plays the harp, which has 47 strings and is typically tuned to C-flat major, so I guess that's pretty impressive. And her songwriting isn't really that bad. The problem, unfortunately, is that she sings like Lisa Simpson on helium. Nowhere is it more overbearing than on “Peach, Plum, Pear,” for which the production process evidently went “Hey Joanna, this Lisa Simpson on helium thing is great, but you know what would be even better? FIFTY Lisa Simpsons on helium. Yeah, that'd sound real good.”

Hilarious deluded YouTube comment: “it's disgusting you don't know what cerebral palsy is. cerebral palsy is caused by damage to the motor control centers of the developing brain and can occur during pregnancy, during childbirth or after birth up to about age three. genetics has nothing to do with it.” Wait, what? Goddamn YouTube comments.

Most Cringe Inducing Section: 2:25-2:29. “You know what would be better than fifty Lisa Simpsons on helium? If they all of a sudden dropped the whole unison thing and just went nuts. Yeah, that's the ticket."

Hipsters Give It:






Lost Blues by Palace Brothers (Will Oldham, aka Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy)



As the maker of the above video demonstrates in his picture selection, Will Oldham has a massive bushy beard and a stellar collection of vests. While not the greatest vocalist in the world, he is generally passable—particularly within the indie world, where simply droning in a monotone voice is the standard, mimicking Ben Gibbard’s obnoxious vocal sylings is a recipe for success, yelling everything like a stocktrader with a hearing impairment is totally cool, and belting out tunes like you’re perpetually constipated will make you the most acclaimed artist of the decade. In “Lost Blues” however, Oldham completely loses his shit.

Hilarious deluded YouTube comment: “I would like to make my own video on this song :-) it's so inspiring!”

Most Cringe Inducing Section: 2:31-3:29. Tough call here, but when he starts dragging someone else into this mess, it borders on assault. This one-minute is basically a microcosm of the entire list: people trampling on each others’ words and melodies, mumbling, terrible singing, unnecessary yelling… it goes on.

Hipsters Give It:





My Rollercoaster by Kimya Dawson



Kimya Dawson was half of the anti-folk duo The Moldy Peaches (whose song “Whose Got the Crack” narrowly misses this list), and she received significant fanfare for her contributions to the soundtrack of the movie Juno. The success of the soundtrack, as you may remember, led Comcast to create a series of bizarre commercials mimicking her breathless, monotone singing style. It was an odd ad campaign, because unless Comcast was offering a free case of tight jeans or a useless liberal arts degree with the cable hookup, I don't think the hipsters were listening. “My Rollercoaster,” in addition to seemingly pointless intertextuality and a general tunelessness, ends with a cacophony of sound that would make Phil Spector recoil in horror.

Hilarious deluded YouTube comment: “this is pure awesomeness. I want to be like that and I think I’ll go search for that person inside me.”

Most Cringe Inducing Section: 3:30-3:54. Why? That’s all I want to know. From the apparent decision to turn a bar full of drunks into a chorus to the strained operatic final note—just...why?

Hipsters Give It:




It’s Cool, We Can Still Be Friends by Bright Eyes



Conor Oberst has a facebook page dedicated to him entitled “Conor Oberst is Our Generation’s Bob Dylan” and more than one professional reviewer has made the comparison as well. At age 22, Bob Dylan wrote perhaps the defining song of 1960s zeitgeist, “Blowin’ in the Wind.” Oberst writes here about how he’s ‘bout to get “so fuckin’ drunk” in a song so lugubrious it would make Wagner roll his eyes (yeah, I just used the same joke construction, whatever). But I will say that this song hits a trifecta of terrible lyrics, awful singing, and dreadful musicianship that no other song on this list can match.

Hilarious deluded YouTube comment: “the best singer and songwriter in new age, he's voice is so emotional and amazing, and his words to his make mor sence than everything ive ever heard!”

Most Cringe Inducing Section: 4:54-5:30. I don’t think laughing is the intended reaction here, but it happens every time.


Hipsters Give It: